Saturday, November 25, 2006

It's funny. I've been strengthen but weakened in a way or two. I sound so contradicting now but that is exactly how i feel. Strengthened and weakened, enlightened and confused, happy and sad.

For the first time in a long time i actually feel so messed up with how i feel. I feel loved yet unloved. I feel included yet alone. I feel lost yet found.

I feel so many things that it contradicts the current feeling im feeling. The last time i felt this way was when i was in a numb state last year. However i feel like this is the way i should feel.
I know, What the hell am i talking about right?

Something inside just tells me that im suppose to feel this way for something good to come out of it. I just want to know soon. I know that i can live without what i feel i can't. Somehow i just choose not to. I know im over it but i feel like im hooked on it and i just can't let go. Tell me.
How did i end up with you by my side? How did i expereince heaven and hell with you?
HOw did i?
Why am i still thinking about you when i don't want to?
Why is it that you're the only one i can't get my heart to let go off?
YOu're not my curse, you're my blessing.
I might have said you destroyed me but actually you taught me.
In a way you showed me i am strong when i was at my weakest.
I don't know whether "that" was an excuse for a breakup
and i don't know whether during that period you truly did love me but i know one thing,
I said I have forgotten about you but i just realized i have'nt.
I might be someone you probably forgotten or not care of anymore or even if i died you would'nt even acknowledged it.
But why?
Why?
You might or might not read this.
All i just want you to know is im glad our lives crossed each others path. Although it did'nt end well it started out well. I never imagined i could feel this way.

From the way i write now you might think im sad. Im not. YOu know im not sad. You saw how acted. You know im happy. Im just hurt by you that's all.
I know you know who you are. I know you know what im talking about. I know you know what im hurt about. So will you stop? Stop hurting me.

My bottled feelings? Yes i dare admit i still care for you but i don't want to because you don't care about me. No im not hinting for a patch. I don't want a second mistake. YOu know what you ought to fullfill. However, from the way i see it i don't think you'll ever know because i don't think you'll ever read what i write in here.

Truth is, I don't know you anymore. I don't know who you are or what you are and i doubt you know me or who i am or what i've become to be. I've changed it so many ways that im happy with. I've changed into this emo person into this vibrant person that im happy with. I've changed into someone whom i know is strong and not weak.

I have my days my sadness but i no longer let that stop me. Im happy with me now. DO you know who that me is?

Yes, you were the cause for my depression season but also the cause of me becoming stronger and vibrant and happy.

Just talk. what are you afraid of? Rejection? Im never gonna reject you're company but i can never go back to where our lives left off.

Just take care. Hopefully you're a man of your word.

~I've unbottled what i've kept in unknowingly. I face my fear of humiliation. I've humbled myself for this. Im scared to write this all down but i knew i had to. I had to tell you how i feel. How wrong i feel how hurt i feel. Now that i've said it im finally free from what was burdening me and im happy about it.~