Friday, August 31, 2007

Hey!!

This week has been so tiring! emotionally and mentally. However, I had a good day today. I got to see Heroes Live as a VIP woot woot! It was nothing much actually. I only got to stand closer to them but still i was too short to take the good pictures. They were getting chased by the crowd it was crazy shit. There was this woman pushing me with her ass. I almost kicked her ass! She was seriously so annoying. Anyway Kal met my dad haha. He had dinner with my family for the first time yesterday. It was nice to have him around. I love you baby.

Anyway,
yes everyone, I have short hair. GO on you can laugh or say i am stress blah blah blah. I happen to like it. ALOT. After all those years of having long hair. Having short hair is fun. Yes i know "but you have curly hair" Let me tell you something when i dress my hair up properly it looks gorgeous =P. Last time my hair was so thin like some bloody chinese ah lian but now it has volume and it's thicker. Get used to it.

I love my short hair.

Chelsea

Posted by Chelsea at 8/31/2007 09:57:00 PM

Saturday, August 25, 2007

It's been such a tiring day.

Last night I could'nt sleep well because my phone kept ringing but it's ok I had a lot of sweet messages from Daffy and Jamie. This morning my phone also rang so i woke up pretty early.
After that i could'nt go back to sleep so ate my breakast watched some T.V and tried to study. I was suppose to meet Hannah and Syafiq to study but i could'nt because it would have been quite a rush for me. Cristy couldn't come with me to buy the ingredients for my mum's birthday so I had to buy them myself. Good thing i had Kal with me. Left my house at 1.30 went to orchard to hunt for a present then city hal but didn't know what to get in the end. We were so tired we slept on the way back to woodlands where i bought a whole load of ingredients. I did'nt know how to choose a whole chicken! hahaha. Kal chose it for me. House husband alert!! Let's just say I don't really like going grocery shopping. Thank you baby.

I am so so tired right now. Prelims are so near. ARGH!!
study study study like mad!

REally need to study... Everyone pray for me!!!

Good night.

Love loads,
Chels

Posted by Chelsea at 8/25/2007 10:27:00 PM

Friday, August 24, 2007

It's been a long time since i felt this lonely. I'm just left here in the corner left to collect dusts like old books on the shelves. Who was i trying to kid? It was so taxing on me. This feeling of knowing that you are vulnerable and that people you trust have come right up only to stab you in the heart hurts like thousand stings sipping through my skin. It was as if I wasn't there anymore.Like i had no ears or let alone a heart. As if I was an enemy. Perhaps, I was from the very beginning. Like it or not maybe im meant to face things on my own. If anyone feels unappreciated, it's me.

The rumour i hear about me struck me like lightning starting a fire. Instead, mine were tears. How was i in anyway possible using my friends? Then again, im not perfect. Then again, Im getting used to it that tears i cry are just water pouring from my soul, after that they mean nothing anymore.Tears mean nothing anymore. Hurt becomes so mundane and after while you just learn to take it in. All i can do is just be immune to it, shed a few tears and move on with life. I know i have confidence but sometimes i just don't feel like i do. I look to my right I see friends, I look to my left i see friends, I look behind me I see friends, I look infront of me i see friends. Alot of friends but none where i can find comfort or consolidation in. I thought love and giving was unconditional. Now i've learnt you can find it in no one else except God. No matter what i do I find no use to me. Why am i doing so much for the people i love, when i have done so little for myself and yet im labelled as a friend who uses her frineds. Sometimes confiding on a piece of paper is better than confiding in someone because then I know I can't be hurt by paper unless it's a paper cut. That i can take. Physical pain I can take but this pain, the emotional hurt im going through, i can't take.

Where in the world am i? In my own world where my own thoughts flow. Where emotions come out to play, where fears are being faced and where the heart learns not the fear but the courage to stand up and say, im fine. Im fine of being left alone. Im fine being in this state. Im fine not being appreciated. Im fine feeling neglected. Im fine.

It was once said to me never to get use to it. It is now that i remmeber why I've kept myself frozen. It was things like these that affected me. Now i know. Clever wasn't I? Then again, it was pure stupidity not to feel because then i will be ignorant to the people around me, unaware of what i'm saying. Then it will be me that causes the hurt to other people, no longer the one being hurt.

Just this morning, I saw my friends and there was i being brushed away like i was dirt on the floor. I stood there quite empty, i remembered, and yet at the same time my heart pumped in sadness and hurt and pain all at once. It hurt so bad that my insides were crying. One ignorant to whatever i was saying. The other, no time to spend with me or has already found new friends who she could relate to better. Good for them both. One won't feel pain and the other found new friends she can relate to better. A tinge of happiness for my sadness. While I, I will be in my room, at the park getting use to all this. Adjusting myself to be independant.

Yes, getting used to it. I was probably born to make bridges for people. Provide them with arable soil to grow and learn and once my soil is left with nothing and all has eroded away, they migrate and find somewhere else where there is arable soil. A place much more beautiful than me. Somewhere where the atmosphere is great and the air is fresh while I am let dry and baked soon I'll be a desert and no one will care anymore because deserts grow nothing but sharp poky cactus'. Provide nothing but sand. No water or beautiful plants and ferns. All they are left with is nothing in the end. Just like me slowly eroding away.

I probably was not friend enough to them...

Posted by Chelsea at 8/24/2007 01:04:00 PM

Thursday, August 23, 2007

The last rumour i heard was that i use my friends. This was'nt about a month ago or two, it was just today. Well, it is really upseting to hear such a remark but i got to take it like it is and move on. Afterall, Im not perfect so, who am i to say. Im not pushing myself so far down, but like I said to myself over and over, It hurts but life moves on, I move on and there is nothing I can do. If i am like that so I am.

Sometimes i don't even know why I care about people anymore. Did i do everything in vain? To think, I have never done anything ill towards that person and yet he/she says that i use my friends...... what is said is said, what is done is done.. im through with it..

Time to row away,
let it pass like clouds.
All you'll see is a darker grey,
If you dwell in it too far.

Posted by Chelsea at 8/23/2007 04:38:00 PM

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Finally the long week is over and a new one is coming. I hope this week will be smoother. Anyway, today was Julian's birthday party. Big news .. My cousins know I'm with Kal. haha. In a way I'm happy about it. Haha. Im excited! I can't wait for next sunday firstly because Kal is gonna meet my dad and secondly he is gonna help cristy and I cook for my mum's birthday.

This week really drained me emotionally. I'm gald im over it after spending quiet time with God today in the chapel (we should really have an adoration room). I am still learning to let go and just trust in him and also not be so paranoid in everything. Im also learning to trust Kal. Takes time, takes time.

Im just glad he is so patient with my nonsense. Im thankful for this week of toil and for the emotional pain i had to go through. It opened my eyes. Im thankful for the people around me my Family for being a support, the friends who have prayed for me, for kal to reassure me.
For everything. It just made me realise that i am truly loved by the people around me and that i am cared for.

I love you people! MUAH!

Love,
Chels =P

Posted by Chelsea at 8/19/2007 10:51:00 PM

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Alright then.

This week was ROUGH. real rough. emotionally draining BUT im alright now.
Anyways yesterday was the first time i played the keyboard for Project J. Woah! felt GOOD!!
Although i did make a few slight mistakes which i hope was not that obvious haha. Now i know what Nicole meant by letting the Holy Spirit take control of me. It was fun playing the keyboard!! I practiced almost eveyday alright even though i was upset haha. Weird thing was it made me feel calm.

Maths Mock exam was a bitch! seriously. ARGH!! questions were like AH!
I just don't like maths. I need help!!

Anyways, I need to study soon so i am going to take a quick nap and study soon.

Love lots,
Chelsea

~love you baby!~

Posted by Chelsea at 8/18/2007 02:19:00 PM

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

About my recent removal of tagboard
i feel that it is of no use to me because i am lazy to reply tags when i can see all my friends face to face. haha. Anyways blogs are like diaries and i don't see people commenting on diaries unless this blog is some informative kind of blog. Till then happy reading and not commenting on my life. Haha.

Oh yea before i begin i would want to say that i will only be blogging when i completed my revision for the day.
ok..

BAck to my life....

It's been a difficult day. School, my own problems and stuff but i managed to pull myself back together. Insecurities, insecurities. Jeez. why must everyone have them?

It takes time for me to learn that I am good enough. I know i am and yet i question and doubt sometimes. why?! i have no idea why!!
Probably my recent Olevel mother tongue grade has really affected me. Then again, I was never good at mother tongue but i still wanted so badly a passing mark of c6 which in any case is not that good either but at least it's a pass right.
Maybe its pass events? I know i should look to my future but yet why do i say what if my past repeats again. You know what? im really paranoid and it bloody sucks!

I hate being so frantic about everything. Its annoying on me and on other people. Yet, Kal baby you are so patient with me. I really appreciate it.
Another question is about trust. Why can't you trust someone fully even when you know he really loves you like a heck of a lot. Its really stupid right?
Jeez, the imperfections of us human beings or rather, me myself and I.
Im not saying i want to be perfect. No one can be. I just want so badly not to be so paranoid. I want to be able to trust fully. i will eventually. I know i will.

My pissy attitude these day is annyoing me and the people i love dearly and I am really sorry for my nonsense. I know its nonsense all these thoughts in my head and yet why do i bother to entertain such disgusting thoughts! GOSH!
Yesterday when i heard i failed m.t i wanted to quit school. WTF. How dumb can i be??
Quit school?! over one stupid subject?! and knwoing i already suck at that subject?! Someone hit my head please!

Then my relationship with Kal, i was afraid of losing him and he finding another girl which i know won't happen. after talking to Bernie i found out what a dimwit i was.
If he is so patient taking all my nonsense what in the world does that bloody say. It means he cares a heck of alot and that he loves me. Like DUH! or else why would he put up with my shit right? he would have dumped me if he didnt care. how dumb chels. how dumb!

All the things he told me before the sincerity in his eyes I saw that day, the sweet nothings, the patience, the care, the tolerance he has for me why could'nt I think of that instead of thinking of made up imaginations in this head of mine?

How dumb how dumb! And all i could do was make myself more stress! and here i am complaining to Kal about stress. On top of that it is really taxing on Kal. im so sorry baby. Im being Stupid with a capital "S"!
seriously!
creating stupid problems that don't even exist to make my own self worry. Putting my relationship that i treasure on that line like that. Chels you're a crazy arsehole!

I won't promise that i won't think like that again but i can promise that my Love is always there for you baby and that i will try not to do such things again. The problem lies in me and not in the relationship. I hold it dear just like you and i believe in us and our love.

I love you very much with my heart with my soul.

Muah!!

Love
Chels

Posted by Chelsea at 8/14/2007 10:52:00 PM

Monday, August 13, 2007

Im simply not good enough.. that's it....

My insecurities and all that shit...Im at the brink of giving up on myself.
IM never good enough...

Posted by Chelsea at 8/13/2007 05:53:00 PM

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Phew..

What a tiring day.
I love you Kal baby. I miss you. haha.

I was in such a pissy mood today. If anyone irritated me i could have just punch the bloody fella. I was seriously so annoyed. GOSH!

Im telling you, things today were a little haywire. After the meeting i went to meet Kal. I totally let my frustrations out on him. So poor thing. Im sorry baby. He was still so patient with my non stop bitching. I love this man. He is so wonderful. After meeting kal we went to starbucks at bugis because we were on the way to national library and got free coffee from JAMIE. Thank you!!!!! lol.. I love the tazo chai tea!! She's the freaking manager there haha. Anyways after all my whining went back to Pasir ris to go get his car. Studied abit under his block since there were no places at the "BIG ASS" national library with all the LAME rules. At least i know how to prepare salt now. Studied chemistry that is. Anyway Kal baby made me do a study time table. He is like my DAD seriously. He is not only my Bf . He keeps me bloody disciplined in my work. he's my boyfriend, my mentor, my adviser, my discipline master, my nagging boyfriend when he wants me to study. lol... After doing the study time table i freaked. I had to study like loads! so many things to cover. I could die! I had a panic attack.

BUT.....
Kal baby i appreciate all your loving care and concern and discipline. You really keep me disciplined in my work. Always making sure im focused in studying. I will try to get good grades. For myself, for my family, for my friends and for you. Thank you for making me do a timetable even if i hate it cause it woke me up. Scared me half to death but yea it woke me up. I spent half of my saturday doing a timetable haha. Anyways i love you loads and thank you for being there for me. muah!

Ok thats all about my day.
tomorrow is the start of intensive studying lets hope i can stick to my study plans.

Oh yea..
Anyway im thinking of removing my tagboard already cause as you can see im lazy to reply your tags. and its basically about my life so i dont think there is much to comment on. haha.
Ok maybe i will remove my tag board haha.
It's like so boring haha.
WAHAHA so nobody can critisize whatever i write but ofcourse i wont slander anyone here. I will tell you im not happy with you infront of your face im super straightforward and i don't care.
sometimes the person just needs a wake up call

ok that's all

Love loads,
Chels

Posted by Chelsea at 8/12/2007 10:24:00 PM

Friday, August 10, 2007

Alright people.

Hannah's Birthday was a blast. Well, I hope. No, Actually i know it's a hit. You should have seen her tears welling up in her eyes.

"CHELS, No blindfold i've got mascara on!"

That girl!
She is so bloody impatient! My baby, Kal, is picking her dear ARSE with a car and she was still complaining

"when you going to come.. why so late??"
BLAh BLAH BLAH .. thew list goes on and on. complaining and complaining.
"I don't know anyhting!!"
"I feel so deprived"

At least we talked to her on her birthday you know. Last year on my birthday these two clowns delibrately ignored me! Totally left me one corner to rot over 1 surprise which was a big ass card. Bigger than my ass. my ass is big if you guys noticed. I was very touched but they made me cry on my birthday lol. I still love them. At least hannah called me to cheer me up and she bought cake to my door step. lol.
All form of communication that day was cut out. Imagine nobody talking to you on your birthday.

Anyway, It is really so tiring to keep up with her complains so i told Jolyn to forget about her complaining lol. Sorry hannah! You'll make a good mother! haha. Nagger!
Yes i know i can nag too!!
i nag alot at you and syafiq haha.

HAHA.. I had to rush everyone to get the candles ready and all. Those tiny knitty gritty stuff.
On top of that i forgot to bring the camera so i had to rush syafiq up to my place to get the silly old camera. While they were rushing, baby made a few delibrate mistakes on the way to the "mini-candle light dinner" We practically drove around the whole of sembawang. Baby and I were purposely arguing in the car about which way to turn haha. I had to control myself so i would'nt laugh. Believe me i was biting my tongue so i would'nt laugh.

When we got there. I blindfolded her and we brough her up to the "Tell-all spot" ( our spot: syafiq, hannah and I, when we needed to talk It's where we go and where all secrets come out)
When she took out her blindfold we said happy birthday and she saw the candles and dinner table set with food made by syafiq and I. She started tearing, like the year before when we made her a video. Ha ha. I envy you HANNAH!! your birthday is always the best. Perfect timing to celebrate. Syafiq's on the other hand is always on sports day and mine is always near prelims. Sucky timing! lol.

The second time she teared was when we gave her the second surprise which was a huge photo frame with a message and pictures of the three of us. haha. We took like 4 hours to do that. Syafiq and I were admiring the hardwork put into the photo frame. It was so much fun making it. AND... Loads of mess in my house.

Oh well, celebrating national day in school was alright. I was having major menstrual cramps. When i got home i was tossing and turning in bed. It was bloody annoying. Sometimes i wish i was a boy. haha. They don't have to experience abdominal pain. Lucky them but lucky us girls we don't have to go to NS. HAHA! suckers! ... BUT.. you know what?
All you boys have to shave your hair off and all.. Poor thing.. oh no!! Poor Syafiq! lol.

By the way.
I did'nt get to see Miss wong play football!! I wanted to see her run man! Mr karthi can play football man!!! You should have seen him! All in black! All his ball tricks and stuff. AWESOME! I can't play football for nuts so i was so bloody impressed. haha.
I wonder where mr Muralee went! Haha. he disappeared from Canberra!!! :(
He's like the oh so cute teacher in canberra! haha. We girls love his eyes!

Im very lazy to put the pictures up cause it's already so late at night and my tea is getting cold.
Tomorrow is another day of toil. No offence i cant stand Mrs Yue. Actually 5n1 and 5n2 cant stand her. She's a royal nightmare in the classroom. I was abit rude to her that day. I made quite a straightforward statement to annoy her cause she was annoying the heck out of me.

She said why didt i do the TYS and asked me whther i wanted to fail science. Honestly i don't know how to do anyhting there. Firstly i don't understand chemistry. So i said" No, I only intend to fail Chem." Then she replied back saying the you'll end up to
ITE so i replied "ok"

When she was walking back to the board i said " The only science that im confident in passing is Physics" (not saying im freaking good at it but i sure as hell understand it a whole lot better)

Omg.. she got furious and turned back at me rolled her eyes and told me to stop my nonsense and just do my work. So all i could say was " ok" Well.. Ive got to admit it made me laugh when she got furious cause the thought of her knwing i don't like her lessons tickled my funny bone. LOL. But.. incase your wondering i don;t intend to fail chem. It was just a teaser. Gosh.. who in the right mind would want to fail. I just gave her the answer she didn't want to hear. I don't hate her i just can't stand her lessons cause i seriously don't understand. Hey hey. don't get me wrong. Even if im not doing the tys YET.. im studying the notes that i find so difficut to understand. SO....

If you hear complains from Mrs yue about me you know why.
I know what im doind trust me. I just want her to leave me alone like give up on me but not give up so i can do it at my own pace. I seriously need time to understand chemical equations and all that it's not as simple as physics where i read understand like common sense and sub numbers in the fromulas. Chem is WHOA.. tiring.

Maths on the other hand. Sorry Mr Karthi. Im born not to do maths. Im naturally weak at it. But i am practicing by the way. If i can i intend to get A2 for maths. And Miss wong.. Don;t tell me to get A1 for M.T. It's highly impossible! Mandrin and I. We just cannot clique.

Let me tell you why its so hard.
I have no one at home to talk mandrin with. Firstly my whole house talks in english. No one in my family is chinese. Unless you bring my great great grandma back then you know maybe there is still hope. Mandrin and I are on wrong radiowaves.. can't pick up signals... haha.

Well..

Last but not least. I want to apologise for all my nonsense i've been giving Mrs Yue but im proud to say... I've DONE MY COURSEWORK!!! ITS FINALLY!! FINALLY!!! COMPLETED!!! WEE!

jeez.. i waited a long time to say that. haha.
Ok good night people.

Posted by Chelsea at 8/10/2007 12:20:00 AM

Monday, August 06, 2007

Oh boy. It's been a tiring weekend and day. However, I've learnt so many things. Anyways, after the seminar yesterday Kal baby picked me up and we drove to Siglap for dinner. I love the popiah there my God it's the bomb! Shiokers man!

However that was not the highlight of the day. The highlight of the day was Kal. He is amazing. I never had anyone saying something so pure and genuine with that much sincerity. It almost made me cry. I was so touched by what he said to me in the car. I knew he meant it, not only because i could feel it but i could see it. It's as if he ripped his heart out and every emotion he was feeling to let me feel what was the bottom of that heart of his. Even better, it was as if he ripped his heart and placed it in mine. I was honestly that touched by his words. It's been running in my head the whole day and every word he said kept replaying like a broken recorder and i just felt so happy. I really can't contain it.

What he said will remain between him and I and not for the whole world to know. I know you people are dying to know what he said but i'll keep it a secret. HAHA!

I love you Kal. You honestly are wonderful and I thank God for how we met and how things started off and the journey although short still. I love you baby! Muah! Thank you for being you.
Thank you for loving me.