Tuesday, January 23, 2007

You know that feeling when you think you've moved on but you somehow still seem stuck?
yeap. That's how i feel. It's not that I want Gerald back or something, it's just been very hard to move on. The pain he caused and how much i let my guard down just to try to start again. How much i fell since that. Im at a bottomless pit.
I might say i hate him, i despise him, i hate him for hurting me but the truth is, i don't. Im just so upset and hurt.

Im sorry about blogging about this now but i've been keeping it in for too long and its starting to suffocate me. I've been acting like i don't care, like im strong and that nothing can break me.
Nothing can break me completely but it does break me and im strong but when i've fallen, i've fallen. In school im all smiles cause im distracted from what's really bothering me. That's why i run. Literally run. I know.. I hate running but recently i find it so comforting. It's like if you pushed abit harder nothing or no one can touch you.

My friends have all been there telling me to be strong, that im better off without him but now i can't hide anymore. Im not well. Emotionally tired and weak. No more pretending that im fine.
I've been bottling it up so much that now im exploding like a emotional volcano.
I don't understand why. Why he has to be telling Leslie stuff like Leslie won't be with cristy when he migrates, that he'll find some better girl and she'll find some better guy.
It's so insensitive.
I takes to hands to clap ; Being with him has destroyed my happiness but at the same time it will streghthen me as a person.

I don't even know what's going on his life now.
From a source i've heard that he's seeing another girl. That's pretty fast.
To consider the fact that he "loved" me.
I find it hard to believe right now.
all my friends tell me he's a scumbag. Espeacially Dom, Cristy, Hannah.
Right now i feel like a loser because once again i've broken my own self.
I should have known better but i never do.
Pictures after pictures of him and I together. Deleting them felt like my heart shredding itself up. However, i have to. I have to move on and forget. Erase him from my memoirs. The words he spoke to me.
THe poems he sent. Each gesture and touch.
I have to forget all.
And it's not easy....

~You've hurt me alot. I think you should know that. Besides the fact you hurt me you had to hurt my sister and Leslie for saying such stuff that leslie has told me about.~

I hope you read this. I hope you don't do this to the girl you're currently after now.
It's hard to be friends with you ever again or even talk to you. I just can't. And im too broken to see ya or talk to you.

You should have known that if you liked the chase you should have never asked me to be your g.f in the first place.
And the selfish reason for breaking up with me. That's the part that hurt me the most.
You are a nightmare within a dream that i should have seen coming.

You are the biggest disappointment i've ever felt in my life. I gave you all my love and this is what you throw back to me and im the one that has to suck it all in. Im the one who has to fix myself now. im the one broken.

You hate women?
There you go.
You've dumped a women.
Happy now?
Feel a sense of pride now?
You are a walking Contradiction.
Yo say you hate owmen but you go around looking for one to love.
What does that tell ya?
Don't you think it's a little ironic?
And when it's over you say the girl was the one who is this and that.
Then when you dump the girl you say sorry and make up this whole hollabaloo "i miss her" and then a few weeks later you find yourself another girl.

that's what you call a walking contradiction.
I tried to help ya but you pushed me away.
So there you go.
You happy now?

I was your girl,
gave you my word,
my everything
but you would'nt see,
i had your back,
i backed you up.
whatever i did,
was never enough.

Just you, (you)
All you ever thought about you, (you)
No one matter's like you do.
What comes around goes around you should know by now.

"Who is the one crying now?"

*My feelings splattered on this page*
8.56pm.
23.Jan.07.
Tuesday.