Tuesday, August 14, 2007

About my recent removal of tagboard
i feel that it is of no use to me because i am lazy to reply tags when i can see all my friends face to face. haha. Anyways blogs are like diaries and i don't see people commenting on diaries unless this blog is some informative kind of blog. Till then happy reading and not commenting on my life. Haha.

Oh yea before i begin i would want to say that i will only be blogging when i completed my revision for the day.
ok..

BAck to my life....

It's been a difficult day. School, my own problems and stuff but i managed to pull myself back together. Insecurities, insecurities. Jeez. why must everyone have them?

It takes time for me to learn that I am good enough. I know i am and yet i question and doubt sometimes. why?! i have no idea why!!
Probably my recent Olevel mother tongue grade has really affected me. Then again, I was never good at mother tongue but i still wanted so badly a passing mark of c6 which in any case is not that good either but at least it's a pass right.
Maybe its pass events? I know i should look to my future but yet why do i say what if my past repeats again. You know what? im really paranoid and it bloody sucks!

I hate being so frantic about everything. Its annoying on me and on other people. Yet, Kal baby you are so patient with me. I really appreciate it.
Another question is about trust. Why can't you trust someone fully even when you know he really loves you like a heck of a lot. Its really stupid right?
Jeez, the imperfections of us human beings or rather, me myself and I.
Im not saying i want to be perfect. No one can be. I just want so badly not to be so paranoid. I want to be able to trust fully. i will eventually. I know i will.

My pissy attitude these day is annyoing me and the people i love dearly and I am really sorry for my nonsense. I know its nonsense all these thoughts in my head and yet why do i bother to entertain such disgusting thoughts! GOSH!
Yesterday when i heard i failed m.t i wanted to quit school. WTF. How dumb can i be??
Quit school?! over one stupid subject?! and knwoing i already suck at that subject?! Someone hit my head please!

Then my relationship with Kal, i was afraid of losing him and he finding another girl which i know won't happen. after talking to Bernie i found out what a dimwit i was.
If he is so patient taking all my nonsense what in the world does that bloody say. It means he cares a heck of alot and that he loves me. Like DUH! or else why would he put up with my shit right? he would have dumped me if he didnt care. how dumb chels. how dumb!

All the things he told me before the sincerity in his eyes I saw that day, the sweet nothings, the patience, the care, the tolerance he has for me why could'nt I think of that instead of thinking of made up imaginations in this head of mine?

How dumb how dumb! And all i could do was make myself more stress! and here i am complaining to Kal about stress. On top of that it is really taxing on Kal. im so sorry baby. Im being Stupid with a capital "S"!
seriously!
creating stupid problems that don't even exist to make my own self worry. Putting my relationship that i treasure on that line like that. Chels you're a crazy arsehole!

I won't promise that i won't think like that again but i can promise that my Love is always there for you baby and that i will try not to do such things again. The problem lies in me and not in the relationship. I hold it dear just like you and i believe in us and our love.

I love you very much with my heart with my soul.

Muah!!

Love
Chels