Friday, August 24, 2007

It's been a long time since i felt this lonely. I'm just left here in the corner left to collect dusts like old books on the shelves. Who was i trying to kid? It was so taxing on me. This feeling of knowing that you are vulnerable and that people you trust have come right up only to stab you in the heart hurts like thousand stings sipping through my skin. It was as if I wasn't there anymore.Like i had no ears or let alone a heart. As if I was an enemy. Perhaps, I was from the very beginning. Like it or not maybe im meant to face things on my own. If anyone feels unappreciated, it's me.

The rumour i hear about me struck me like lightning starting a fire. Instead, mine were tears. How was i in anyway possible using my friends? Then again, im not perfect. Then again, Im getting used to it that tears i cry are just water pouring from my soul, after that they mean nothing anymore.Tears mean nothing anymore. Hurt becomes so mundane and after while you just learn to take it in. All i can do is just be immune to it, shed a few tears and move on with life. I know i have confidence but sometimes i just don't feel like i do. I look to my right I see friends, I look to my left i see friends, I look behind me I see friends, I look infront of me i see friends. Alot of friends but none where i can find comfort or consolidation in. I thought love and giving was unconditional. Now i've learnt you can find it in no one else except God. No matter what i do I find no use to me. Why am i doing so much for the people i love, when i have done so little for myself and yet im labelled as a friend who uses her frineds. Sometimes confiding on a piece of paper is better than confiding in someone because then I know I can't be hurt by paper unless it's a paper cut. That i can take. Physical pain I can take but this pain, the emotional hurt im going through, i can't take.

Where in the world am i? In my own world where my own thoughts flow. Where emotions come out to play, where fears are being faced and where the heart learns not the fear but the courage to stand up and say, im fine. Im fine of being left alone. Im fine being in this state. Im fine not being appreciated. Im fine feeling neglected. Im fine.

It was once said to me never to get use to it. It is now that i remmeber why I've kept myself frozen. It was things like these that affected me. Now i know. Clever wasn't I? Then again, it was pure stupidity not to feel because then i will be ignorant to the people around me, unaware of what i'm saying. Then it will be me that causes the hurt to other people, no longer the one being hurt.

Just this morning, I saw my friends and there was i being brushed away like i was dirt on the floor. I stood there quite empty, i remembered, and yet at the same time my heart pumped in sadness and hurt and pain all at once. It hurt so bad that my insides were crying. One ignorant to whatever i was saying. The other, no time to spend with me or has already found new friends who she could relate to better. Good for them both. One won't feel pain and the other found new friends she can relate to better. A tinge of happiness for my sadness. While I, I will be in my room, at the park getting use to all this. Adjusting myself to be independant.

Yes, getting used to it. I was probably born to make bridges for people. Provide them with arable soil to grow and learn and once my soil is left with nothing and all has eroded away, they migrate and find somewhere else where there is arable soil. A place much more beautiful than me. Somewhere where the atmosphere is great and the air is fresh while I am let dry and baked soon I'll be a desert and no one will care anymore because deserts grow nothing but sharp poky cactus'. Provide nothing but sand. No water or beautiful plants and ferns. All they are left with is nothing in the end. Just like me slowly eroding away.

I probably was not friend enough to them...