Saturday, November 10, 2007

I just don't know what to say anymore. It seems like everything I do is wrong. From family to friends. Everyone. Life may be would be better if i'd just stopped caring for everyone.

Basically let me tell you why im frustrated.

Firstly when Cristy hits me and says something really mean i never hear sorry. Today earlier during dinner had a quarrel. Tita was complaining my dad's blood was really thin and told me to tell my dad to stop taking that herbal nonsense and that was what i did exactly. I always check my dad's eating because i don't want his condition to be worse. I told my dad i will throw all his herbal juice and he got angry and then my mum and tita who told me to tell my dad to stop taking that nonsense backed out on me and told me not to do that. Obviously i got upset. First you tell me this and you show me a different action how else would they want me to respond? SO we started arguing and before the argument got worse I walked away and my dad scolded me for having a really bad attitude. When i tried to explain no one wanted to listen and my dad told me to get out. do you know how hurtful that was...

How else do i do things without people thinking everything i do is wrong?

Im not being petty and all that nonsense but it's been happening so much that i can't take it anymore. The only reason i check my dad's meals and what he eats its because i care. Im no longer a child why wont they understand that? I've studied and researched on these things just to know how to handle nutrition stuff. Heck! i've been taught all this in school. Why can't they see that! Everyone things they know everything and when i tell them its wrong they think im wrong when i know for a fact its right. Hello! Im learning these things in school.

yea.. maybe some jackasses will be telling me maybe im learning the wrong things in school. Let me be the judge of that yea.

I've been edgy because of these things.. ALL THESE MINUTE THINGS that become one huge ball and the truth is im tired. Im tired of caring for someone. Im so tempted to block everyone out. I am really so tempted to do all that but after breaking down that wall for so long and trying to feel again i don't want to block out people i love.

What hurts me more than ever is that because of me being so vulnerable without having my wall up eats me up...

For all those who think im emo. listen up and listen clear.

Im not.

I've been putting up a wall all my life and one day Kal came into my life and my faith in God grew stronger that somehow the wall was broken down. Im not used being exremely open.

I know i may be open. Im open minded that is. Emotionally i lock myself. It all started in sec 1. After that i just didnt want to tell anyone feelings. That was why i had a diary. I no longer write in it. I figured a blog was better so i wouldnt be so misunderstood.

Even with my own relatives im misunderstood.

Im the playfull one. The one who is always. I repeat ALWAYS in the middle. you know why?Im this im that.. Im too sensitive.

I fit no where. Im not too young to be playing with younger cousins and im not too old to be with my older cousins all the time. I've learnt as well not to tell certain relatives my personal life because it will eventually spread like wildfire and no they're not aunties, they're cousins.

The last time i told a certain someone my secret i was made laughing stalk.

and the hurtful thing was nobody knew it was hurtful to be laughed at and gossiped about in my own family.

I started this blog because since people was so interested in my private life i mind as well leave it open.

Im not saying that i can't forgive. I can but i wanna explain why im like that.

Im glad i had to go through all that BULLSHIT and HELL was it hard growing up.

and that's why i am the way i am right now

Im sorry im letting everything out so late but this is the way i feel is my only form of communication to people for now.

Espeacially to all my cousins.

I haven't forgetten the feeling of betrayal and hurt i felt. Till this day i question why but nevermind i've become too used to the bullshit.

Call me sensitive call me anything you like but both you and I know you can never lie to yourself.

It's not that i don't know how to have fun. I am a fun person i am the clown of my class i make people smile i make people laugh but sometimes i like it when someone is sensitive to my feelings.

Honestly,

It was the sense of hurt, betrayal, no one listening to explanations, no one giving a thought of how i would feel, no one approaching me first to settle issues and not me first, having being made fun of with my weight last time or whatever else for, for knowing that my cousin or relatives could do such a thing and make me the clown

made me ....

build my wall

be extremely protective of my sister

very demanding

very analytic with words

being too serious

like i said before this post and i will say it again..

Im not petty, im not unforgiving, im not full of hatred.

Im just really hurt and yes.. maybe some scars havent healed fully